MTV Movie Awards destroy millions of brain cells

The only way I feel like I can accurately sum up the MTV Movie Awards: Is this real life?


I can't even begin to process the awful and ridiculous, or ridiculously awful moments on tonight's broadcast.

I was going to write a semi-long recap of the events that happened tonight, but honestly, I had to hypothetically scrub my brain of all of everything. However, and I apologize to anyone who follows me on Twitter for this, I Tweeted all night about this disaster. If I may, I would like to use my Tweets as a basis to begin to try and process what I witnessed this evening.

"The awards playing Green Day's "American Idiot" in the background just now means my highlight of the show has probably already happened" - I was mostly correct.

Moving aside Ed Helms and Ken Jeong for the irrelevance of Jennifer Lopez and Tom Cruise was just genuinely offensive (how old was Jennifer's song?), and it proved that this show was just a vehicle to continue to promote celebrities that are irrelevant. It was like MTV was trying to make 'fetch' happen all night. It isn't going to work. Along those same lines: VH1 and MTV need to stop trying to make Diddy happen again. Seriously, Jennifer Lopez and Diddy? Again? Is this 1999? I don't want to know what Diddy has under the seat of his car now...

However, even though it was strange to have Tom Cruise dress up as a two-year old character all night, Les Grossman made Tom the most likable he's been in years, at least before he and Nicole Kidman divorced and the fight to conquer Xenu became extra important. And then he showed up at the end, as himself, not Les, looking wild-eyed and crazy as always. Downgrade.

It looked like Kristen Stewart dropped her award yet again with she was on stage with Robert Pattinson. Remember this? Oh well, at least KStew and RPattz's kiss wasn't as awkward as Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens' 'kiss.' Zac looked as though he'd never ever kissed her in his life!



I'm still trying to figure out Snoop Dogg's outfit during his performance of "California Gurls" with Katy Perry. It was the socks and the (somewhat) dark shoes. He looked like your stereotypical Polish man, walking around Disney World or something with the shorts, white socks and dark shoes. In other words, he looked like every picture of my father and grandfather in the '70s and '80s. Also, Katy? Your hover-surfboard was cool (but, yikes, the way her legs were bent, if that thing snapped, there go her ankles!), but Britney Spears did it better in her 2000 tour with her magic floating carpet during "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know."

I'm still angry at Michael Cera for ruining my life. Because of his arrogance and stalling in wanting to make the Arrested Development movie, I don't think it's ever going to happen. So, every time I see him now, a part of my soul dies.

Is anyone aware that Mark Wahlberg is an incredibly violent guy who once blinded a man during a robbery he committed while on PCP? He's another person who angers me every time I see him on camera.

I highly enjoy that RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN won an award, if only because I hope it reignites Stephen Colbert's amazing hatred for him. Because now, Rain has a Movie Award, and Stephen does not. Stephen will not stand for that.

I feel like that Eclipse trailer was a joke. RPattz just looked so incredibly plastic and fake, I can't accept that that is a legitimate clip from a movie. People will really think he looks attractive in Eclipse if he has that stupid look on his face the whole time? I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

And then, there's this.




This is Christina Aguilera's blinking vagina. This was the moment I realized I could not mentally handle this show anymore, it just became too ridiculous for me. Oh, and Christina, Ke$ha called, she wants her tacky futuristic-style performance shtick back. (I can't wait for Christina fans to storm my blog in anger if they find out about this.)

The good moment? Peter Facinelli of Twilight and Nurse Jackie was put in charge of giving the acceptance speech for New Moon as it won best movie (like last year, these could be called the "Twilight Awards."). He was smart and got wasted during the entire show, and released a fantastic array of f-bombs that the MTV censors missed. A running joke throughout the night was that censorship and people saying bad words is HILARIOUS. This was the only moment the joke actually delivered, and it was impromptu. The Parents Television Council is probably writing angry letter after angry letter to MTV right now (because Peter's missed f-bombs were nowhere near the only missed ones tonight), which is understandable, because remember folks, the MTV Movie Awards are supposed to be such a family friendly show!

Oh, and I believe I'm going to use my new Capital One MTV credit card to pay off my cable bill, so I can continue to watch great, informative cautionary tale MTV shows such as True Life: I'm in Debt.

I need to go watch tonight's Breaking Bad at 1 a.m. (which I missed at 10 to watch this piece of garbage show). Hopefully that will work as a brain bleach to forget about this show.